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Oct. 7th, 2013 | 08:13 pm

Everything is fucking screwed. My life was perfect... fucking PERFECT. we were going to move into a new house, have a new baby, continue to move forward in our happiness...

Every day that you are gone is worse than the last and i thought that things were supposed to get easier. No one is going to compare to you. I had never met anyone quite like you before, and I study people. you were different.

I always thought that my life was shitty and horrible things happened, blah blah blah. Until the day you died, I didnt even realize how good i had it. life wasnt that bad. the things that were happening to me were just normal things that i had to work through. this though, this is honestly the worst thing thats ever happened to me.

the most that i have learned from your death at this point is that i am not afraid of dying anymore. let it come, i dont give a shit. If I didn't have London... I dont know where i would be.

i really wish you would give me more signs or come see me in my dreams. shit, give me a full body apparition! anything.

i never knew heartache, or what missing someone really meant. this isnt a break up. you died. how am i supposed to move forward when in my heart, we are still together and everything is perfect? every step in the forward direction that ive taken has been wrong, it set me backwards, actually.

i would give anything to have told you to go ahead and quit. i feel so guilty for letting you leave that morning, for not messaging you when i saw you on fb chat. i could have saved you. who knows.

our baby would have been beautiful. it would have looked just like you and i would have cherished it forever. this fucking sucks. how is this fair?? you promised me you would never leave, and you did, in the worst way.

i dont give a shit about my birthday or halloween or fall. none of it matters anymore and thats so unfair to london, but i am so fucking depressed i just cant get in the mood. all i can think about are all the plans we had for the fall/winter. driving past that pumpkin patch today KILLED me. when it starts to get cold i feel like thats when the major breaking point is going to be, this beach town is going to feel just like the air. when you died a piece of me went with you.

i remember all the times laying in bed staring at each other for what seemed like hours, and how you said if anyone would have seen us they would think we were so disgusting. Then I would always catch you mid kiss and suck the breath out of your mouth and tell you i took part of your soul. I still mean it, and I am keeping it until I see you again.

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